So close.

Kidnap Kid.

Wow, another month already done. That's five months down, only seven to go!

In line with my promise to continually research the topic for the month during the actual month, I learned about Elisha Goldstein's The Now Effect. In a video I watched about using breath as an anchor, he talked about the 'see, touch, go' approach. While meditating, it's extremely difficult to focus on nothing and let your mind really be empty. This approach calls for you to see a thought that comes up naturally, reach out and touch it with your mind just for a second, then move on and back to emptying your mind. It was extremely effective for me during a few meditation sessions when I had some minor drama, created in my mind, going on. My brain would organically conjure up images of this drama, I would explore it lightly for a second or two, then I'd go back to a calm present moment. It's something worth trying if you're having problems focusing solely on the moment.

My month of being mindful actually turned into a month of being introspective. The more I focused on thinking about living right now, the more active my brain became. With that activity came a creativity I forgot I possessed.

Okay. So here at the end of November, I've had a satisfying revelation. When I started this project, I felt that I truly needed it to find happiness. I told myself to explore all these topics so that one day when things are stressful again, I'd have built up points to spend on taking care of it head on and positively. Just last week I had a kind of drama come up. Someone I thought of as a friend had essentially 'chosen sides' with my ex. I didn't know that was even a thing anymore. I was especially shocked here just because I thought this person and I genuinely got along in a stand-alone fashion, separate from my ex. But apparently that was not the case. So this sad news paired with a few feelings of rejection in other areas of my life had me quickly spiraling into sadness.

Then I had a snap-out-of-it moment. Hello?! I've been working on this project for moments just like this. I launched into positive self-talk mode. When I would start to feel down about the situation, I would refocus to the immediate moment; emotions associated with that time don't exist unless you focus on them. It hurt to think about all of the fun things I did in Hawaii with this friend while knowing she had decided I wasn't worth keeping in contact with a year later. To avoid feeling negative about it, I decided I deserved a better friend than that and focused on all of the people who love me now. Realizing that no friendships are guaranteed to exist past a certain point helped me to let it go in the end. We had great times together in Hawaii, now she's in a different place in her life, as am I. It's unfortunate that it dissolved like this, but I wouldn't take any of it back.

So here I am, five months into this project, and already I'm different. I could've let those emotions spiral out of control and been mopey for days. Instead, I pulled from all the techniques I've learned over the past few months and said, "no, I don't want to feel this way."

I didn't even have to eat my feelings or cry over a rom-com.

-Jamie

Raconte-moi une histoire.

Music by M83.


When I run long distance, I don't wear headphones or listen to music. I run along the street or path and listen to the sounds of possible oncoming cars, the conversations of people I pass, the various forms of nature all around me, etc. Spending too much time in my own brain is not going to happen because of all the stimuli in my constantly changing settings. However, when I do find myself on a longer stretch of empty road with not much to focus on outside myself, I let my brain wander freely to the important things that have been muddled up or stifled in there as of late. This leads me to land on issues like is this thing with the girl going anywhere, or is getting out of the Navy really something I want to do, or what do I want to do at work to leave my mark? Most of the time I daydream about my plan to get out of the Navy. I'd like to go to school in Oregon and play ultimate frisbee while studying psychology. When I touch on the ultimate frisbee part of the dream, I envision insane layouts or being captain of the team as a sophomore or leading the team to win championships year after year... Those are usually the times that my pace picks up noticeably. An image will flash by of a teammate sprinting down the field after a beautifully thrown back hand by me to the end zone corner, and the rush of adrenaline associated with such a play in my mind kicks in to quicken my steps in real life.


Being mindful this month has not been easy, but I think it has opened some doors. I've not gotten any better at focusing on the present moment, but overall it has sparked in my brain a creativity and thoughtfulness mode that I haven't felt since probably a breakup back in 2010. I was dumped by a girl I dated in high school and through years of on and off long distance drama. I wrote some songs, collaborated with my friend Matt, and put it all on a CD. At that time, I could be driving to work and come up with the starting lines of a song with possible chord progressions as if the universe had just dropped it into the car with me. I wrote the whole CD in about two weeks. I digress...
The point is, my creative streak is back. What's more is I think my empathy levels are at a high. Maybe empathy isn't the right word. It's hard to describe, but I've found myself just overcome with intense feeling for the world around me. I don't know how to get those emotions out in any other way than writing music. I've decided to try finishing a book I started, but sometimes I'm so crippled by all the feelings that I can't seem to organize where I want the story to head.

Everything I've typed so far has just been brain vomit. So many thoughts, emotions, ideas... all because this month is about being mindful. I may not be very good at meditating, but I've found that focusing on thinking has uh... opened my mind to many more thoughts.


I'm exhausted.
-Jamie

Turning into stone.

Music by Phantogram.

Wow. I don’t know that I even have the words to describe the past week. It’s been an incredibly fun ride, to put simply.

This gay cruise to Mexico that I went on was a fantastic idea, and I’m so happy that Bryan and I were both able to make it happen. My favorite thing about this vacation was the people we met. Since I was one of less than 20 women onboard a ship with 2,000 gay men, I obviously got a lot of attention. The guys had no problem talking to me, since I guess you could say I wasn’t a threat to them at all, and there was no fear of rejection. Because of all the attention, Bryan and I were able to meet so many awesome guys. We created a core group of about five, and we spent every night out on the dance floor forgetting about our lives off the ship. We drank too much, laughed too hard, and danced until we were dripping sweat. We built relationships based purely on how we interacted with people on the ship, not by what occupation or position we held in the real world or how much money we made or how old we were. When it came time to get off the ship, we exchanged information and intend on keeping these friendships going. There’s even possibly a reunion cruise in the future.

On top of attention I got from just the guys on the ship, I also had the good fortune to meet almost all of the performers for the cruise. The first night on board, Bryan and I went to a comedy show for Dixie Longate (hilarious). She asked about the lesbians on the cruise, to which I emphatically called out where I was. In front of me, I noticed another woman that looked to be in my age range that I had seen earlier. She also raised her hand, so I introduced myself after the show because I thought she was pretty. Turns out, it was comedian Erin Foley. I didn’t realize where I’d seen her before until the next day, but that night, she hung out with us on the back deck of the ship for a few hours. Throughout the cruise, we got to hang out with her more and more and ended up meeting a lot of the performers through that connection. Comedian Poppy Champlin also included me in some material, and it got a good laugh at her show. I had the chance to have dinner with her as well, which was very nice. All of these people were just great to hang out with, and I’m happy to call them friends now. Comedians, cabaret singers, Broadway stars… who knew.

An odd thing about the trip that didn’t affect me quite as profoundly as it did Bryan though, was essentially the casual sex. Everyone on that ship had a different motivation for being there, don’t get me wrong. There were those who wanted to make connections in love, some wanted to network, some needed a break from their day-to-day hetero world, and some, yes, were in it for the amount of hook-ups they could make happen. Each to their own, I wasn’t there to judge. The point is, it struck Bryan as odd that a lot of these guys could be so flippant about sex. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’ve been in too many relationships or non-relationships with physical aspects about them. Maybe in the military, I’ve seen a lot of sexual drama in friends and coworkers. Bryan thought it was so odd that someone could sleep with essentially a complete stranger and have it followed by sometimes zero expectations of friendship or more. This stuff happens all the time in real life on land, but it was made odd by the fact that we were stuck on a ship together for seven days making this stuff happen.

So anyway, as far as the project is concerned, I spent the week absolutely absorbed in living moment to moment in that tiny bubble of a ship. I only meditated a few times, but I spent more than a few nights drunkenly contemplating the world and human interaction on the balcony while staring at the stars. So I feel as though, while I didn’t follow my rules, I still tried to be mindful of everything happening around me.

This vacation also opened up the avenues of creativity for my brain. Being around all the performers and witnessing their incredible talents on the piano or with their vocals alone, it rekindled my desire to be involved in music. I’ve decided to go look for a cheap keyboard and maybe a loop pedal or some simple equipment to go with it. I want to start exploring that world of music, not just the guitar and ukulele.

Alright, done being boring for the day. I’m currently on the last leg of the trip back home, so I’m exhausted and jet lagged already.

-Jamie

Twelve.

Music brought to you by Mo Kolours.

(Note: this was written while on the cruise.)

This week will be intense.

A few months ago, I suggested my friend Bryan and I go on a cruise together. A few months later, we’re on an Atlantis gay boy cruise. We’re cruising to Mexico with 2,000 gay men.

And I could not be having a better time so far. This gay cruise has been absolutely fantastic. The gay boys are totally fine with this girl here crashing the party. So many times I’ve just walked into an elevator or a different room and heard, “Whoa, a girl!” Sometimes that’s followed by an enthusiastic hug or even a full conversation. These gay boys sure know how to be inclusive.

As for the project, the past few days as I’ve been on vacation, I’ve not been very good at focusing on the now. However, I think as a whole, I’ve been great at focusing on living life ‘in the moment.’ These two things are slightly different, in my opinion. Bringing my full attention to the now, as it happens, takes concentration and a bit of brain power. Simply living in the moment, to me, means not thinking too much into the future. It means living today, as if I won’t be around tomorrow.

Maybe it’s okay to make those distinctions.

I feel as though it was an accident but a convenient one that I chose November as the ‘mindful’ month. Many of my friends are posting statuses on facebook about being thankful, since it’s thanksgiving time. To me, being mindful means sometimes I’m overly aware of how thankful I am for everything. Sitting on the deck of this cruise ship, catching rays and watching the gay guys walk by, I’m overwhelmed with thanks for the human spirit. They’re welcoming, inclusive, and mostly enthusiastic about my presence. This makes me thankful to be human and for having the means to take such a cruise or break from work.

Sitting on my own personal balcony alone, typing this as Bryan enjoys a dinner for singles to meet, preparing to go to a comedy show where I personally know the comedian from introducing myself the night before… I am yet again overwhelmed with that feeling of gratitude for the world being the way that it is.

We’re all here for a purpose, and if that’s just so we meet these individuals in tiny speedos with open minds in a world of inclusivity and freedom and love… then I will take that. Any day.

Being mindful sometimes goes hand in hand with being thankful, to sum up this week.
-Jamie

November: Be mindful.

November

Be mindful.

- Meditate, meditate, meditate.
- Breathing exercises.

Being in the present is a difficult thing for most of us to practice regularly. We busy our minds with to-do lists for the upcoming events on our social calendar or spend a lot of brain power thinking about things we wish we could have changed in the past. This month, I will work on weening myself off of those constant thoughts and will try very hard to focus on the present moment as it is happening (obviously). It will be tricky mainly because our silly human brains have developed to put tons of emphasis on the future. We no longer think about killing just enough to be fed for today; we think about meals days or weeks in advance. We no longer move our clan around to avoid being killed by predators and following game; we ponder what our next career move should be to get us that sweet gig in 5 to 10 years from now. Arghhh... brain, why can't you just be still for one minute?

This month should be interesting. I'm going to get fully back into the meditating business so I can spend at least 5 to 10 minutes daily focusing on my breath and physical body in the moment. Instead of getting worked up about things that could happen at work or have happened in the past, I will work on bringing myself fully into the moment as a way to manage emotions and stress.

Apparently, I have much to learn on this topic. In the past few months, I've set up a path to follow at the beginning of the month, but I hardly ever followed up by doing more research into that topic. From now on, I plan on spending an hour or two here and there gathering more information on these topics in the hopes of expanding my ideas.


This will be difficult, since I'm almost always living in the past or future. But it should also be refreshing to think about only what's in front of me.

Here I go.
-Jamie

Shell Shell Bye

Music by Taylor Deupree.

October didn't teach me much, but only because I didn't put in all the effort I could have. If I had pressed myself, I'd have at least four or more new songs in my personal arsenal. Instead, I dilly-dallied and spent my time elsewhere. When I have something to say using music, I'll find a way to say it. For now, I'll stick to having fun on the few instruments I can get sounds from.

October was fun for the picture taking process. I've really missed working with angles and interesting visions in every day life. I kept all the picture taking throughout the month to just my cell phone. I'd say most of the photos came out pretty well, so I'm not upset with that decision. Perhaps now I can get back into it with my Nikon. Or maybe finally buy that Nikon I've been wanting...

Though I didn't accomplish much in the way of creativity and I more or less took a hiatus from morning pushups/situps, song reviews, and quotes, I did get a wake up call for this project. My attitude has been sliding backwards down a nasty hill the past few weeks, and it became clear to me that I need to adjust that again. This next month should be perfect for this kind of situation.


Here are a few snapshots from the last week of October:

27th - Hung out with Codi and enjoyed BBQing with some friends. 

28th - Giant moth... Wish I'd have put something next to it for comparison.

30th - Explored downtown Naha with Codi and found this drunk guy.

31st - Out at the gazebo, the pilots from one of our crews carved this bad boy.

Good end of the month message.

So that was October. Four months down, eight to go.
-Jamie