Music by M83.
When I run long distance, I don't wear headphones or listen to music. I run along the street or path and listen to the sounds of possible oncoming cars, the conversations of people I pass, the various forms of nature all around me, etc. Spending too much time in my own brain is not going to happen because of all the stimuli in my constantly changing settings. However, when I do find myself on a longer stretch of empty road with not much to focus on outside myself, I let my brain wander freely to the important things that have been muddled up or stifled in there as of late. This leads me to land on issues like is this thing with the girl going anywhere, or is getting out of the Navy really something I want to do, or what do I want to do at work to leave my mark? Most of the time I daydream about my plan to get out of the Navy. I'd like to go to school in Oregon and play ultimate frisbee while studying psychology. When I touch on the ultimate frisbee part of the dream, I envision insane layouts or being captain of the team as a sophomore or leading the team to win championships year after year... Those are usually the times that my pace picks up noticeably. An image will flash by of a teammate sprinting down the field after a beautifully thrown back hand by me to the end zone corner, and the rush of adrenaline associated with such a play in my mind kicks in to quicken my steps in real life.
Being mindful this month has not been easy, but I think it has opened some doors. I've not gotten any better at focusing on the present moment, but overall it has sparked in my brain a creativity and thoughtfulness mode that I haven't felt since probably a breakup back in 2010. I was dumped by a girl I dated in high school and through years of on and off long distance drama. I wrote some songs, collaborated with my friend Matt, and put it all on a CD. At that time, I could be driving to work and come up with the starting lines of a song with possible chord progressions as if the universe had just dropped it into the car with me. I wrote the whole CD in about two weeks. I digress...
The point is, my creative streak is back. What's more is I think my empathy levels are at a high. Maybe empathy isn't the right word. It's hard to describe, but I've found myself just overcome with intense feeling for the world around me. I don't know how to get those emotions out in any other way than writing music. I've decided to try finishing a book I started, but sometimes I'm so crippled by all the feelings that I can't seem to organize where I want the story to head.
Everything I've typed so far has just been brain vomit. So many thoughts, emotions, ideas... all because this month is about being mindful. I may not be very good at meditating, but I've found that focusing on thinking has uh... opened my mind to many more thoughts.
I'm exhausted.
-Jamie
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